


a snow cone's chance in hell

by mistspren



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, I don't know if this is book fic or show fic and at this point I'm too afraid to ask (myself)
Genre: Ice Cream, ineffable husbands being dorks but not in the same room as each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 15:44:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19444525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistspren/pseuds/mistspren
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale both take credit for the invention of ice cream





	a snow cone's chance in hell

“You see,” said Crowley, holding an ice cream cone, “it’s very good. You should try it.”

Beelzebub squinted at him suspiciously through a cloud of flies.

“No, really,” Crowley said. He took a chance and made a second cone begin existing in his other hand. “Go on. Take a --” he interrupted himself by licking the first cone, “bite. Please.”

“Hrmmgh,” Beelzebub said, still squinting. Then they reached out a hand and took the second cone from Crowley. Instead of trying it, they stared down at it like it was a present the hell-hound had left on their scorching hot doorstep.

Crowley flicked a stray fly off of his cone. “Yes, look,” he said, “it doesn’t matter if you won’t try it. Just -- this is my best invention of the  _ century _ . Of the  _ millenium _ . This is going to be a good one.”

“You see, my friend,” Aziraphale said, holding out an ice cream sundae to Gabriel, “I’ve created something new. A jolly good one, too.”

Gabriel chuckled, reaching out for the dish and sniffing it gently. “Okay, Aziraphale. I’ll bite.”

“Yes, that is, er, the intention, you see --” Aziraphale said, giggling a little. “You -- you bite it.”

Gabriel’s smile was more of a show of teeth. “What the Heaven is this thing, Aziraphale? How is it going to help us?”

“Well,” Aziraphale said, “it tastes so  _ good _ that--”

“When a human bites into it,” Crowley drawled, “they’ll be  _ so _ satisfied with the taste that they’ll be just  _ absolutely _ tempted. In fact, they’ll be totally  _ gluttonous _ . You see? Gluttony? Sins? You know? Those thingys. The ones that send humans down here.” His grin had been growing progressively wider throughout this sentence until it was almost as high as his sunglasses. “They won’t be able to  _ resist _ eating more. They’ll sell everything. Up to and including their  _ souls _ .”

“Uh-huh,” Beelzebub said, picking at something on their face.

  
  
  


“-- they’ll just be  _ so _ happy,” Aziraphale said, bouncing a little, “that they’ll just absolutely  _ beam _ everywhere and make the lives of everyone around them better. And then -- oh, and this is the best part,” he paused to rub his hands together for a second, “they’ll make  _ more _ of it. And give it away! For free!” He couldn’t restrain a little giggle.

“Sure, sure,” said Gabriel, looking at something over Aziraphale’s left shoulder. “But are you  _ sure _ about this? I mean, that’s great and all. Good work, Aziraphale, I’m sure the humans really enjoy eating this. But… how do we know that it fits with the brand? How is this, you know,  _ heavenly _ ?”

“You sure this is  _ hellish _ , Crowley?” Beelzebub said, scowling. “I mean. If it makesss ‘em so happy and all. We want to make ‘em  _ mizzzzerable _ .”

“Yes, yes,” Crowley said, waving a hand in front of his face, both in impatience and to dispel a few stray flies. “Well, it’s right there in the name. Ice cream? Haaaa, no.”

  
  


“Ah, you see,” Aziraphale said, nervous, “I’ve named it after, of course, something Heavenly. The humans call it ice cream, but I call it  _ nice cream _ .” He gave a small smile.

“It’s short for  _ vice cream _ ,” Crowley finished. “You like that?”

Somewhere in China, the very, very human inventor of ice cream scooped out another portion and wondered where those two strange but  _ nice _ gentlemen with the bottomless pockets had gone.


End file.
